The weight I was carrying
If you've been here for a wee while, you might have noticed.
The newsletter used to arrive weekly. Then every two weeks. Then once a month. And now it's been five, maybe six weeks since you've heard from me.
You might have noticed. Or maybe life was busy and it slipped past you. Either way, I think it's time I told you what's actually been going on. ๐ฟ
The honest version starts earlier than January.
It starts with menopause, which nobody prepares you for and everyone pretends is just a phase. It starts with losing my mum, who wasn't just my mother. She was my best friend, my steadiest voice, the person I drew my confidence from. Losing her left a gap I didn't know how to name, let alone fill.
It continues with relocating to Taranaki to support my brother rebuild his life. Buying a second home. Commuting between two cities, two lives, two versions of myself. Pouring from a cup I kept telling myself wasn't empty.
Then selling my business. Because the passion had gone and I was honest enough with myself to admit it. That sale felt like freedom and grief at the same time, and I didn't give myself permission to sit with either.
And then, just as I stepped out of the transition period with the new owners of my business and thought I could finally exhale, I lost my Dad. ๐
Christmas came. The new year arrived. My eldest turned 30. The world kept moving.
And that first week back in January, I couldn't.
ZERO cognitive capacity. Emotionally hollow. An overwhelming need to simply stay in bed and let the world be quiet for a while. I didn't recognise myself. And for someone who has spent years helping others lead with clarity and confidence, that was a confronting place to be standing.
But here's what I've come to understand.
This wasn't weakness. This wasn't failure. This was my nervous system finally presenting the bill for everything I had held together, for years, without stopping.
I had been running on a kind of strength that looks like resilience from the outside but feels like survival from the inside. And at some point, the body stops accepting that currency. ๐ฅน
So I stopped. Not strategically. In fact, I was mid-contract when I hit the wall, and I had to be honest with my client that I simply couldn't complete the work. The embarrassment of that was real. ๐ซฃ
And slowly, almost four months on, something else has started to begin.
I'm not going to tell you I've figured it out. I haven't. I'm in the middle of a becoming I don't have full words for yet. But I wanted you to know the truth of where I've been, because this newsletter has always been about real leadership. And real leadership starts with being honest about what's actually happening.
I'm still here. I'm finding my way back. And I want to bring you with me. ๐บ
Your Momentum Shift for today
๐ง THINK (mindset shift)
The body keeps score long before the mind admits defeat.
๐ก DO (practical action)
This week, sit quietly with your body. Just listen.
๐ HAVE (expected results)
A new relationship with your body as a source of wisdom, one that helps you lead with awareness before you ever reach the wall.
๐ฌ Your Turn
Before you close this, I want to leave you with one question to sit with in your journal.
Where in your body does stress show up first? And what has it been trying to tell you?
There's no right answer. No deadline. Just you, a quiet moment, and the beginning of a different kind of listening. ๐ฟ
โ๐ Sandraโ
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